For the first time in three years I have allowed myself to feel. And it hurts so much. The flood gates have been opened and I have no way of stopping them. I almost wish I could. I wish I could stop this hurt and this pain. For three years I have bottled this up, only allowing small amounts out at a night in the middle of the night. Now the gates are fully opened and I can't stop them.
Perhaps if I hadn't listened to certain people and allowed myself to feel. Perhaps if I hadn't have tried to be the person I was before. There is nothing worse than being told that you have changed as a person and that you need to change back to the person you were before you lost your child. Of course I've changed! I don't think I'm better or worse of a person. Just different. I will forever have a great big huge hole in my life.
I can't keep this inside any longer but I hate feeling this hurt and this pain and not being able to stop it.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Jasmine is now five years old. And she is the most amazing five year old I have ever met. Honestly, I can't believe that she is five. has it really been five years since she was born. In fact its five years today since we bought her home for the first time. Only for one night though as she was so badly jaundiced that she needed to be readmitted for photo therapy.
She was so tiny and now she is so big. She is fully toilet trained both day and more recently night. She can read and write and knows some of her times tables. She is able to form good arguments for things that she wants to do. There are times when are arguments are so good that you just have to let her do whatever it is that she wants to do.
She had a MacDonalds birthday party with some of her Kinder friends on Sunday. She had so much fun. I loved it too. Nice and easy and so clean up. She got some great presents too. Quite a lot of art and craft stuff which is good as she loves doing all sorts of arts and crafts. She got some Barbie stuff too. Since she had kinder on her birthday and then is at work with us afterward, we decided to give her the presents from us on Sunday too. She got a Barbie house, some Barbie clothes and a Barbie plate, cup and bowl set. She loved all of it. She was so excited by it she hit herself in the head. She was just as excited by the giant lady bug pillow pet her grandparents got her. The first two nights she slept with it in the bed with her using it as a pillow. It took up 3/4 of the bed. Last night though she used her normal pillow and just cuddled the pillow pet.
Next weeks is yet another birthday, when Lucy turns 2.