For the first time in three years I have allowed myself to feel. And it hurts so much. The flood gates have been opened and I have no way of stopping them. I almost wish I could. I wish I could stop this hurt and this pain. For three years I have bottled this up, only allowing small amounts out at a night in the middle of the night. Now the gates are fully opened and I can't stop them.
Perhaps if I hadn't listened to certain people and allowed myself to feel. Perhaps if I hadn't have tried to be the person I was before. There is nothing worse than being told that you have changed as a person and that you need to change back to the person you were before you lost your child. Of course I've changed! I don't think I'm better or worse of a person. Just different. I will forever have a great big huge hole in my life.
I can't keep this inside any longer but I hate feeling this hurt and this pain and not being able to stop it.